Expounding

I do much appreciate all the comments that people are leaving me! I really want to expound on my last journal and what I'm feeling. I know last time I wrote that I couldn't find the peace. I want to share a letter that I wrote to a good friend of mine about how I have been feeling.



"I feel like I've hit a wall. Last weekend was so traumatizing and I just can't get over it. Last Saturday night was awful beyond words. I'm so fearful that, that will happen again I refuse to adventure out alone again. Whatever happened last weekend is holding me back. I can't think about it without crying. I can't even write about without crying. Something is gripping me and I can't let go of it. I'm sitting here sobbing because my heart hurts. I've never felt so alone in my entire life, ever. I don't feel alone in my spirit but my heart does. It longs for companionship, friendship, love.. anything to forget what happened.



Usually it wouldn't be a big deal... I got lost. But its so different this time and I don't know what it is. I miss everyone but I don't miss them to the point where I have to talk to them constantly. But I feel like I have to see or at least talk to someone to keep reminding me I'm still living because I feel like I'm in a dream. A bad dream and I can't wake up. My heart is heavy and I don't know why. The loneliness is so bad. Its not that I don't have anybody to talk to. I have no one to relate to. No one here has the same morals as me, no one here as the same desires as me. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. The people that I can someone relate to aren't even on my hall and I can't get to theirs because every hall is locked. The peace is gone and I want it back. I won't lie when I say I want to come home. Its not that I miss it, its a place I know where I can live. Because I don't feel like I'm living here. I'm just wandering, lost, confused... just wandering. And its awful. I hate it.



I knew I would be broken while I was here. But this doesn't feel like brokenness it feels like oppression and I can't shake it. I can't live like this. If this is how the next 9 weeks are going to be, then I don't know what I'll do. My passion is gone... everything is numb. I don't want to live like this- I can't live like this. I don't know what to do. I can't leave and I can't go but I don't think I can endure any more of whatever this is. I need help. I don't know the next step to take. I didn't know it before I left, I thought I would when I got here but I don't. I can't even hear His commands anymore. 'Go' is no longer in my vocabulary, I can't hear it. I'm so alone and lost. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I do know that this is not it. Whatever I'm feeling its not what I'm supposed to be feeling. I'll do anything to hear the small voice again... anything."



There is my heart right there... this was their reply:



"I believe your expectations were set on the same standards that you left behind. When you GO, you LEAVE all behind except your Beloved Spirit of God within you. All things are new in a new city including street directions and holy revelation. I believe that you will have to forgive yourself of humanness for getting lost, or lack of confidence in your ability to get around a new city. This trip is about the Spirit of God in you and not about you or your inward abilities to cope with adventure or new knowledge. Therefore, forgive yourself for human confidence and repent of dependence upon your abilities. Cast out your pride of confidence and expectations, human dependence and lack of dependence upon God. Tell the spirit of loneliness and independence to leave.

Remember, pride is your enemy and so is depression, oppression and loneliness. It's root is in rejection. You have a conflict between your pride of humanness and humbleness going on that is rejecting your Spirit and accepting your Flesh. Pride wants to tell us that you are capable of doing this adventure. Humbleness says that you can't do this. You need God to do this for you and with you. Tell self-rejection to leave you now!Friends develop because you decide to be a friend and you pray to God to bring you friends. It will take time just like it takes time with God to get to know him. So begin to pray and pray until you get a breakthrough. Lay down your humanness and take upon the Spirit of God. Throw away any expectations of making friends, meeting Christians, or any other things that you have an agenda for. Now take up the banner of praise, love and worship for your God. Begin to make Him your dearest friend. Come away from withdrawal and inner recoiling of isolation. Come away from your flesh and step into a love relationship with Jesus. The change will come from within and will not be by making outward changes. Your Spirit is grieved for home, not God! Home is where you are because God is with you alone. Others will not make you whole, wholeness is the Spirit of God within you. Kick out the spirit of death, premature death and death wish. These spirits try to control our lives daily. Keep on track with God and you will succeed!"



Talk about a good friend. I can't read that without crying because I know its the truth. Last night when I praying before I went to small groups God gave me Psalms 37:4. He gave me that a few months before I left but I didn't really pay attention to it. I've expounded on it and have expanded it from verse 4 to verse 9.



My prayer now is to learn how to delight in the Lord. What does that mean? What do I have to do? Or better yet what don't I have to do? :) I want to delight in the Lord. I want to commit to the Lord. I want to be still (Psalms 46:10). I want to be patient with God.



Do I really need the word "Go"? Or another word to move? I'm pretty sure its all in these verses! If I just wasn't so stubborn! :) I need to re-conquer Flesh Woman. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about then YOU need to read "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver, best book ever!)



If you're reading this and possibly are crying or feel that tug... surrender. I've fought with it too many times! And some very close friends can tell you how much they've told me I'm so hung up about it. I've experienced it before and now I am experiencing it again. To surrender is not to give up... its to live and be liberated! John 8:32, John 10:10



I love you all! I hope you guys are doing great! Things are obviously looking up! :) Talk to you soon! Be on the lookout for more pictures in the next week. Going touristy/American today and taking pictures of town and supposedly going to London on Saturday.... be on guard!! :) You can also see ALL of my photos here at photobucket: www.photobucket.com/lkwillson



Hebrews 10:23,

Linda