Fearful & Fighting

Source: permanentsunshine.tumblr.com via Linda on Pinterest

I see this picture and I cry.. cry because this is something I need to hear and read and see every minute of my day...

I'm sure most people would agree that their God is bigger than their problems.. but do they actually believe it? This the road I walk at the moment. I'm fearful, and today, tomorrow, and this exact moment I need to believe that MY God IS bigger than my problems.. and most importantly I need to believe that He is who He says He is.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. First, the doctors thought I had anemia and mono. Turns out I had both.. then it progressed into me having side pains which they thought were just a part of my mono. My anemia has worsened as well as my pain, and with a million tests ran the test results show nothing positive or encouraging.

Again, MY God IS bigger than my problems but do I believe it? Or am I just so fearful, like I always am? Fearful that He's forgotten about me too? That I did something to deserve this? Where does this fit into my life? Better yet, how am I going to afford this and go to school and work? Who is going to take care of me? Who?

Then I'm reminded:

Source: just-be-loved.blogspot.com via Linda on Pinterest

But again.. do I actually believe this? Or is it just something nice to believe?

As I sit here crying, my heart wants to believe that this true.. that I want this to be the cry of my heart.. but in reality.. I just sit here in my fear. I've never felt more alone in my life at this exact moment and yet I've never felt more okay I guess is the word.

The point being... my life has completely changed... but MY God is bigger than my problems and that He is fighting for me.

Procrastinating

This is procrastination at it's finest! I SHOULD be working on my 15 page paper but instead I am blogging.. I cannot concentrate for the life of me! :(

Not much has changed.. Still have lost anymore weight.. still struggling with my diet and gym-ing it up. Things are just rough at the moment. I've been super busy which had taken all my focus so things like my diet and gym have fallen to the wayside. I am known for this to happen, but I have yet to figure out how not to have it happen. If I could just get this down, I know I'd be more successful..

Things with R.W. are going good. We have our ups and downs, like any relationship. I learned this past week that I never really let anyone in. Not even Jesus, really. I can let anyone in to a point, because well that's normally where everyone stops. No one dares to get even closer or to go deeper. However, R.W. pointed out that I had been pushing him away, but really it was I just wasn't letting him in more when he tried. To be honest, dear reader,  I am very afraid. Afraid because even those who have been in for a millisecond or close to the edge have rejected me... and I am afraid it will happen again... very afraid it will happen again. So... along with struggling with my own self-image and dieting.. I need to work on opening up more.. but I have no idea really how or if I can at this moment.

Okay, I really need to go write some more on my paper and not my blog... good bye dear reader!

Where Has The Time Gone?! Pt 2.

Holy Crap! Have I really not blogged since freaking December? It's been over six months, I'm surprised no on has said anything.. okay not really! hehe..

Things have changed a lot dear reader... well A LOT does not even cover it! So let's start with uhh.. me?

1. I've lost 95 pounds!  Whoo hoo! *Happy dance* I have noooooooo idea what I'm going to do to celebrate when I reach 100, which will be like in a few days. Ahh!!

2. I've got a new boyfriend aka love of my life. You can call him R.W. More on him later.

3. I'm finally working on my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy.

So... #1. I've been struggling as you know with getting these last few pounds off. Even more after I hit the 70 mark. It has taken me 5 months to get these 25 pounds off. I'm a bit disappointed but I know that these past 5 months have been a time of growing. I've been on and off my diet like a girl trying to figure out what to wear on her first date! Eek!  With some help from R.W. I have managed to stay on my diet and been gym-ing it up.  Man am I lucky...

Okay, okay, we'll get to the good part. R.W... hmm.. well what do you want to know dear reader? He's a bit older than me. Just a few years, and if you know me I kind of have to have that! He is a kid at heart, and I really do mean kid at heart. We've built a fort in his living room, I made him a dinosaur cake for his birthday and we sat in the kiddie pool this weekend. If that does not bring you happiness well it certainly does to me! As my friend L says "He's our kind of silly" and that is sooo true. He likes that I'm a trekkie (did you know that reader?), and is amazed at all my stories from all my travels (he's never left the country, *sigh*), is convinced that I know everyone and everything (probably because we run into someone when we go out...), and is completely right for me.  The only downside is that he's not a Christian but I am praying for God's working ability to set him free and bring him to a greater revelation.

So I transferred to another university after not getting into the program again at my previous. However, I am in the program I want and need and everything has worked out for the best! I'm not going to complain...

Anything else you want to know dear reader? Just leave a comment.. or if you have any suggestions on what to do for my 100 pound celebration, again just leave a comment!

<3

Where has the time gone?

Has it really only been a few weeks since I posted?  Feels like forever since I last posted...

Looking back this year has been better than 2009 in some ways but worst in others.. I am soooo ready for it to be over with!

Here is a recap of what I wrote about this past year:

To be honest, I really dislike the new year. Not only is it my birthday (and I don't like my birthday either..) but because I feel like this is the only time people make goals or start anew (myself included). I'm not much a new years resolution person, personally I feel like I'm making this bold statement of what I'm going to do on my birthday and that's a bit weird (try it sometime! lol). Plus I feel like if we are really going to change we have to make resolutions throughout the year not just the first day! With that being said I propose my goals for the year

I will...

• Step out in faith and speak the Word to myself daily that God is going to heal me physically, spiritually, and emotionally!
• Work on my spiritual issues (Read previous posts!)
• Speak scripture into my life. I have actually forgotten how powerful speaking the word is out loud and over myself. Am I foolish, or what??
• Health issues... lots of stuff going on or will be going on. This goes with the first one!
• Find a church home. I actually started this today. Went to a new church, not really my new home but got a good word on why God wants us to remember the bad times and why He wants us to be humble!

I am not saying that I will pray more or read my bible more or go to the gym more or this or that more! I will however be looking for opportunities to be filled more. I realized today as I was listening to a Joyce Meyers podcast that I am empty. And when I'm empty, I'm discouraged and when I'm discouraged, I'm depressed and when I'm depressed, I'm tired and angry and I give up. Problem solved: be filled! I will be looking for more opportunities to give and to bless. I will be looking towards the future and praying that what I feel in my spirit is actually the truth!

Did I actually accomplish these?  Yes and no..

I did not step out in faith as much as I wanted, I guess that's just a progressive thing really...  I did work on my spiritual issues, wish I could say I am done with them.. but I am no where close!! LOL  At least I'm not at the beginning! :)  Worked on my health.. didn't find a church home... but I did learn a lot about myself...

Maybe that's what this year was about.. learning all about me... and that's probably what this next year will be about too...

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. Not really a big deal, except everything I have learned and known about my life will completely change.  Tomorrow I will no longer be a military dependent but will now become a civilian.  Very scary, to be honest.  I have regular health insurance, no military discount or ID anymore, I actually have to pay for medication and for doctor's as well as learn how to do everything on my own since I am on my own! lol

Not really looking forward to tomorrow.. I'm on call all weekend due to our criticalness of o negative blood. So I can be called in at any time so therefore I will not be partying like I intended to :(  Okay I'm getting off before I start to either 1) cry or 2) complain or 3) both!! LOL

Happy New Year readers!! Here is to 2011!! :D

Dear Reader

To those who read my blog, keep this in mind... 

Only the lonely..

I really can't tell you what hurts worst being lonely or being left out...

Tonight has been an emotional roller coaster, and it's probably all my fault.  I expect way too much out of others, and of myself, really.  I'm such an idiot, really...

I also realized tonight that I have no schemas for certain things in life, and I have some negative schemas about certain things in life.  Just because I have no schemas or negative schemas it doesn't mean I can't do these experiences....

My heart is broken, and it aches.  It aches to be held, to be loved, just to be wanted.  I feel that these expectations are just too much, especially for those around me... and quite frankly, it's not fair.  I deserve this and it sucks to know that I can't have it... I just want that look, that touch, that feeling... and somehow I'm not worthy of it, when I know I really am... I'm just ready for it to be my turn, and it to be my turn now.

I'm becoming impatient in the waiting room.  Impatient and impatient.  I'm impatient while holding my breaking heart trying to figure out the pieces of my life, while it seems that others just have it.  It's night's like these that I remember that I might be able to run for awhile but it will always catch up to me. Always.

Stupid expectations.
Stupid heart.
Stupid self.

Heart Ache

I was walking down the sidewalk at JU from Gooding towards Council, when my heart just ached..

It was then that I finally just gave up and said let the pieces fall where they fall, because well... I can't fit them together and frankly I don't know if I personally want to do all that work...

My heart just ached a little for that, just because they want the pieces to fit...