I've been actually meaning to write this note but have never really gotten around to it or just forgot! This past month or so I've been reflecting on this past year and just how much I've grown, how much I've changed, and just really how much God has done. I've talked with several friends since being home and each one of them has revealed new things to me about how much I've come and I want to reflect on that. This is not me venting, it's just me reflecting :D
A few weeks ago I was talking to my a friend of mine, and they were complaining about how much they had to do and what they were dealing with and while venting they made this simple statement, "well it's not like I can just go home and do nothing. I mean I don't live at home with parents". Such a simple statement, right? After I hung up the phone with them, I felt so indignant. And why shouldn't I, right?? I mean did this person know what I've had to go through so I can go home and try to do nothing?! No, but that's not the problem. The problem is why am I so indignant about it. Is it because of my pride, because I'm not getting the glory, because that's not my role any more? Yes, yes, and oh yes! I'm thankful that I do not have the roles I've been trapped into for years for my family and because of my family. I mean, for those who actually know everything that I've gone through know that right now I'm living in paradise! So, why I can't just let it go? I finally figured it out this weekend while I was sitting in SHINE and Holly (the speaker) was talking about how God gives us all our post and we need to stay faithful to our post through the good, the bad, and the ugly. When she said that I finally realized that my parents took me off my personal post and put me on theirs and while I have abandon that post (because it really isn't mine!) and they haven't returned to it either. They do when they have to and still expect me to be staying there and because of that I think that I expect others to know that, that has been my post forever (ok, not forever but maybe like the past 10, 11 years or so...) but that's not me!!! Okay say it with me: PRAISE THE LORD! :D I'm not the mother, the father, the provider, the healer, the counselor, the driver, the cook, the cleaner, the whatever they need!! Can you believe it's been two years since I left the post? 2 years in August! It feels like yesterday some days and 10 years others. God started preparing me and them way in advance because 6 months or so after I left that post I told them I was leaving for England, and then I really did (what a shocker to them!)!! What a year!!
2 weeks ago I was talking to a friend about my trip and the people I met and the friends I have here. Her and I always end up talking about relationships, from guys to parents to best friends and of course God! It's nice to know that someone else sees what I see when I look at my future and my relationships. We started talking about relationships and how nice it was to know that even though we don't date (what will we call it.. umm... preparation?? lol) it's nice to know that sometimes we feel human and actually no longer feel numb or a void when thinking about dating. It's a gentle reminder from God that, although dating is not our current position we're not entirely weird! We also started talking about boundaries and what she said was one of the reasons I'm writing. We reflected back on how life was when we first met and how I felt everyone was walking over me (and let's be honest, they were) and how my chief complaint was I felt that I was taking advantage of but I just didn't know how to fix it! Looking back now that feels like eon's ago even though it really has been only two years! (WOW!) If you've hung out with me at all or at least talked with me for more than a few minutes about my current life from getting back, you know that I've been serious about adding more boundaries and restricting other boundaries. Some boundaries are stricter with some people and some are aren't with others. I have one friend who I have the strictest boundaries with, but that is because I have to protect myself from their manipulation and dependency as well as helping them (and myself) learn to grow.
And speaking of boundaries, I've had to add more boundaries on myself, which I think has been the best thing ever (besides moving to England lol). I miss the life I had in England.. the laid back, when we get to it we get to it, let's enjoy life, life. That is how we're meant to live life.. not this busy I've got this and this and this and this today and then tomorrow I have that and that and that, and that is just today and tomorrow, next week is even worse! That might have been my life but it isn't anymore. Some of you know that, and some of you don't but now you do. I'm driving less, which we all know how much I hate driving so that is really a good thing, so if you want to hang out and I say no it's because I've done all the driving I'm going to do and if you really want to hang out you'll come over (the door is always open to anyone who wants to come!) or pick me up. Sounds harsh doesn't it? I'm focusing more on me. Granted I have work and in the fall I'll have school again but I'm putting myself first. I have 12 hours in the fall (shocker!), I'm getting a meal plan (so I can finally eat with my sisters!), I quit my leadership position (long story, but it was for the best), and work is coming last. That is something I'm learning right now this summer. My job comes last.. and is it hard to ever learn!
2008 was a great year, I felt the call to go to England and instead of just saying "well maybe one day" I was obedient and I went. I rushed and joined a sorority, who would have ever thought that that would happen? But believe it or not those were the easiest and most peaceful decisions I made all year and why? Because it was what God had called me to do. I had a great time in England, I learned to grow, made new friends, and most importantly my family got their own lives. I joined a sorority and I not only made new friends but I made a new family and a new part of who I am. I'm still learning about myself and why I was called to do these things (and for some I do have an answer) and I might never and that's okay. But what's most important is to remember where I came from and remember where I'm heading. I might have come from condemnation, and blame but I now walk in freedom!
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