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Things are rough really now, and I do mean rough. Life at home has always been a struggle especially when you live with a parent who doesn't want you and another who refuses to stand up for something. Not to mention the responsibilities of taking care of a family who depends on you for anything because they don't feel it's their job to do anything. I learned years ago who my real family was, now I'm not so sure.

Since my mom (physically) left (again) this time has been harder than years previous. Granted she emotionally and spiritually left years ago and has been physically leaving us a bit more and more over the years this time it's different. She has pushed us too far.. push us to the point of no return. If she decides to come back, then things cannot be the way they were before she left. Life won't work out that way, not that it was working out that way before. She rejected me years ago, and I've dealt it with several times. But this time it's different. The rejection's made me question everything I've ever known and the people that I know. I've always had a hard time trusting people. Who wouldn't? I mean the ones who should you don't, so why would the ones who don't have to will? I struggle with the fact that I'm wanted, accepted, and loved by everyone or anyone for that matter. It's in these hard times that I drop off the planet because 1) I don't want to deal with the blame that people place on me and my family. 2) Sometimes I really don't want to be with others. 3) I never know who's with me and who's against me. Those I think are with me are the ones who turn out to be blaming me and well... those who are with me are far and few between. Do you guys remember what it was like last time? The struggles, the fear, the weakness not mention all the pain and suffering? I thought that time was over, and yet it has sprung up again.


1) It's not my fault that my family is going through what it's going through, and if you think that then you don't matter. I refuse to accept the blame. It's not my fault that any member of my family is doing anything, and for anyone to blame me is just immature and childish. I'm not dealing with it or you for that matter.

2) Sometimes you just want to be alone. Although being alone too much can hurt and hinder you... I prefer to be alone in these times. Partly because when you're alone, no one can blame you and no can leave you. It makes in my own little world that I hold on to so dearly.

3) Personally I'm over the who "We're here for you bit..." because 9 out of 10 people are lying. They just say it because they think that's what I need to hear or because that's what they should say. If you're one of those people don't say that, to me or anyone if you have no intention of even following what you say. Integrity is the greatest virtue for me, so at least have some or pretend that you have some for me. :) At the same time it's hard for me to know who I can turn to. Partly because I still feel alone, and rejected. I don't know who's with me and I don't know who wants me. I've struggled with that for years and this past year has been the worst. For instance I think Rushing was the best thing in my life, yet I doubt pretty much everyday whether or not my sisters really want me and accept me. Granted I KNOW that they do, otherwise I wouldn't be their sister. But the 12 inch difference between my head to my heart hasn't happened. LML, right? I really don't feel LML right now :( Imagine how I feel about my family. Those who should want me! I really don't even want to get into that.

Things are rough, so have some courtesy please and some grace. I can't be everywhere at every time but I'm trying my best to hold down the fort again and somehow manage to have my own life (which I'm failing miserably just like last time). So go easy on me please... I beg you...