I started to read that book, but it was boring. Flipped through it, read the most interesting parts and put it down. Oh well, at least I attempted it. I'll probably just dive in to Captivating again. It's such a good book! When I last left I was talking about goals.. to be honest I can't even remember what they were. I remember a few, getting filled, finding a church home.. wow some goals, eh?
Well I have tried to find a church home. Went to a new church on Sunday. Did I already tell you this? If I did just skip over this! Went to a church I've wanted to attend for awhile. I was obviously a visitor, the church had like 60 people in it and no one talked to me.. at all.. so that church is not my church and on I go!
As for being filled, I had an interesting talk with God on Tuesday. After dropping off a friend from the airport to JU I literally cried the whole way home, just pouring out my heart. If you've read my previous blogs you understand how much I struggle with love and acceptance as well as condemnation, shame, and guilt. As I was driving home I just finally let it all out. I've been angry with God on just how much He has allowed to happen to me. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that they happen in the right timing. But.. I struggled with why God would allow ALL of that to happen to me. Just me! I'm crying and telling God that I don't think it's fair but I know it's not and there is nothing I can do about that, I'm telling Him how I feel that He has forgotten me, how I feel that He is punishing me, how I feel it will never be my time (I've struggle with THAT for years!!), how I feel that everyone else is doing what He wants and yet I'm still in the same place waiting to be moved.. and this and that...
I felt a lot better afterwards! And why wouldn't I? Anyways...
Wednesday night was Night of Praise, if you're looking for a good place just to pour out your heart and spirit during worship, Night of Praise is the place. I've posted about my experiences about N.O.P. for several months. And although I don't call that church my home anymore, I still went.. more like dragged lol Anyways, I'm sitting there with an open heart (from the previous night, read above again if you need to!) waiting to hear from God. Meanwhile I'm pouring out my heart again, and worshiping when it hits me! God loves me! I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'll probably have to hear this from Him a lot.. and that's okay. I am the apple of His eye and I'm sure He doesn't mind telling me now and again how much He loves me. I realize that I'm walking in condemnation and guilt. I think I deserved all that I've received: the rejection, the pain and I haven't. I believed the lie that I deserved it, and I brought condemnation upon myself, even though I didn't deserve it! So I finally was set free! And guess what else I was set free from? My neck pain... We wear pride on our shoulder and why wouldn't we wear condemnation and guilt there too? I constantly have to fight off the condemnation and guilt throughout the day but I have had very minimal pain since then! PRAISE THE LORD!! :)
You know what else? I always complain that it's never going to be my time. I often describe my life like a waiting room. If you've ever been in line at the grocery store or at the pharmacy and you have a number. Well my number is up next and yet the person after me always gets called first! Why? Why me? When will it be my turn? You know what I learned? Soon.. that is when it'll be my turn. I never tell God that I feel like this.. like my number will never be called.. but He knows. He told me so.. When He was telling me how much He loved me, and how He wasn't angry at me, and He wasn't punishing me. "I haven't forgotten about you. And it'll be your turn soon. You're number will be called". AMAZING!
I was driving to class on Thursday when I had another revelation. The reason my number hasn't been called, the reason I'm in this waiting room (still, lol).. is because He's hidden me. He's hidden me to prepare the place, to prepare the people, to prepare me.. He's been working behind the scenes to get the perfect moment at the perfect moment. I can believe that God is working in others lives, but I can't for my own. What is wrong with me?
On Thursday I met with a friend, I'll call her friend "C" (sorry couldn't resist, lol). At first I thought she wanted to talk to me about my blog and what I was writing and how messed up I was. I was a little apprehensive but very excited to see that someone out there was reading this thing besides me! Yes, friend "C" I feared you, because I feared your rejection. Although you have never rejected me, I still feared that you would and that's why you wanted to meet. Man, am I an idiot? How many times am I going to believe that lie before I get it?? Hmm?? Anyways, friend "C" validated a lot of feelings I am/was having about my current situation. Discussing this with her made me realize that if this group of people (christian or not) didn't want what I had to offer then they don't want it. I can't make anyone want what I have, nor can I make them want me or love me. So if they don't want it, I'll take it to someone else who does! Of course as I believe this, I was tempted today. Got an invitation from these people to hang out tonight, was almost tempted to go when I realized that they didn't want what I had the night before, the sunday before, the wednesday before, the event before.. so why would they want it right now? Hmm?? I'm not even going there. I love them, I do and I'll miss them. Had great times with them, but they are not home. Sorry, to say group but you are not my home.
Thursday night I went to a bible study, where Beth Moore is teaching about Esther. If you know anything about Esther is that its all about the timing. One of the most famous verses from Esther is the 4:14b: "For you have come for such a time for this". Last night Beth Moore talked about knowing when its time to wait, when it's time to move, and when the time is right for us, but not for others! That's right where I am, I learned! God is moving me (we're going so slow that I can't feel it, but we are moving, lol) and that He is preparing others (hence why we are moving so slow, lol!!!). Have hope little one, you're day will come!
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