Psalms 139:7-8

Well you know I always have something going on, and for once I wish I didn't. I actually right now I wish I owned a time turner, to turn back time or at least just slow it down some. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am indeed graduating in a little over a month. It's not the fact that I will be faced with the real world, or the fact that change is inevitably coming... I feel that I've worked so hard these past years and I have nothing to show it. Granted I have a degree, but really that's all I feel I have. They say your college years are the best years of your life, and mine were probably my worst. I never want to relive them again, but if I had to I would. I've spent the past four years taking care of everyone else, and now here I am at the end point of what is to be a big accomplishment and all I can think about is who will take care of me now? Have I passed my test? Have I proven I'm worthy? Is it finally my turn? God I can only hope..

Sitting here typing and crying, I feel my heart ache. Ache for the love I want (why can't I get over this?), the desires of my heart (whatever they might be), and the acceptance that I so deserve.. but I also ache for the care that I give. Treat others as you wish to be treated... why can't my family at least consider this to me? Why can't others? Because they don't have the capacity, I suppose. I'm at peace at the fact that I have NO clue at what I'm doing after graduation. I sort of understand why I have nothing going on especially if some things that line up the way I see them doing. But at the same time I feel my identity ends when I was cross that stage.. my whole life has been built up to this one moment, and when it happens what's next? I'm the first to graduate college, I've been pushed to this moment my entire life.. I've heard it all: "Your education comes before anything." And they really did mean anything.. but what happens when all of that is out of the way? Who will I be? I can't even figure out who I am as a student finding my education, what will I be when I actually have an education? Another unemployed wanna be with a degree still living at home with nothing to show of it. I feel like I've sacrifice everything I wanted for my family while doing what they've asked at the end of the day, I've got nothing and yet they're still asking for more. I feel forgotten, that's what it really is... forgotten. And it's not like my family has forgotten.. well they might have.. but I feel like He's left.. HE forgot me.. He forgot that I'm here with no one in my corner and He's left me to fight on my own. I feel abandoned, and I don't know why. I know I don't deserve it (read previous blogs, dear reader!) but then why did He leave? Yes I know it says He hasn't but... it doesn't feel like that. I'm tired.. I'm tried of searching and looking and coming up with nothing... I'm tired of dealing with rejection, and disappointment, and abandonment, and all that comes with it... I just want to sit and lie down while someone else takes care of me. And I can't... I feel like I'll never be able to.. rest that is, and have someone else take care of me. What has my life come to? Where are you, God?