Life As I Know It

It has almost been a month since I last updated and I can't say that a whole lot has happened.  Emotionally, spiritually.. yes.  Physically.. eh, not so much.

I got accepted to grad school but not in the program I wanted so I'm in another program taking classes and then I have to reapply to the program I want again in January.  Thankfully the classes I am taking transfer to the other program and they are classes that I would have to take anyways so might as well as get them done and over with..

Health is doing good.  I've lost 45 lbs so far, and am getting a third fill tomorrow.  I started personal training last week and have been good so far about doing my cardio. Needless to say I am very tired, and sore.  I have rug burn on my knees from all the push up I had to do yesterday, lol!  I'm trying to stay positive as I continue this lifelong journey, however those last 5 lbs are getting to me.  I'm so close to the first 50 that it's hard to remember that I lost 45 to get there!  I often do that.. forget the journey that I've made to get to the checkpoint and all I can focus on is how I can't get there and forget how I did get there! Oh Linda...

Last night was Night of Praise, one of the few services that I attend at the Chapel. It's always a good time in worship even if I don't talk to anyone or no one talks to me. I am usually confronted with my own issues during this service, (and have blogged about several of them...) last night I confronted the issue of how I felt that God was going to desert me. So I confronted this evil lie, and poured out my fear in worship. I really did (and maybe still do, I haven't had much time to think about it this morning) fear that God was leading me on this weird path off by myself because He was just going to leave me.  It's not that hard to believe when for the past year or so you have been searching for the path, and the open doors and you haven't found it.. I'm just walking along and hoping to find something. This situation also makes me fear that the doors that have opened are really doors that I've pried open. If this is the case, then I know that God will right it. He turns evil into good for His glory.

Last night I also confronted with letting go..  There are several things that I have let go and let God including:  school,  jobs, and church... but that's it.  In my head and heart I still have control over finding that community of friends and family I want to belong to, finding someone to love and someone to love me, my future career, my money, my car..  the list goes on and on...  Several posts back I write about another experience I had a Night of Praise, about how I learned that I was really just hidden. Being prepared for the right moment. I read a friends note on facebook about the process of making perfect ice cream.  How after she made it, she has to let it freeze to let it become completely solid and firm.  However this waiting process is hard after you've tasted what the ice cream is going to become.

In that same sense it's hard to sit "in the freezer" and watch to be finished so that the right time is perfect. I understand I kind of have to but it's hard to remember that time will come along especially when you think that you are just being led astray...  So last night God dealt with me on giving up on everything and letting Him figure it out.  I mean.. it should be this way, right?  I know that He is perfect, and all knowing but do I really have any other options besides trusting that He knows how to make it even better than I do?  No.. I don't... but shouldn't I want to just because He is the One True God?  Yes... I should... then why don't I?

I went to friend breakfast on Saturday.  I'm proud that I actually went, I felt like I was supposed to go.  I did enjoy myself but after breakfast, the group of us was wandering around an antique store and I couldn't help but want to cry..  not because I wasn't part of the group but because of what I had indeed discovered.  I have learned that I'll never be a part of the group because I am not comfortable or at ease with these group of people and all I could feel were walls.  I remember sitting at breakfast and just felt like the walls were closing in.  I never been claustrophobic, but I was that morning... I don't know why God brought me there, maybe for closure?  For forgiveness?  But I realize that I really am a square peg trying to fit that round hole of a group..  and I don't know if there really is anything that I can do about that.  I'm not going to lie and say that it's okay and I've accepted that because that is not true.. It hurts (still) to know that I am the square peg trying to fit in a round hole, and there isn't much I can do about that.