Life is..  life, I guess.

Yesterday was one of the worst day I had in a long time...  At the end of the day I ended up sitting in a cold bath crying my heart out.  This is what I learned:

I am beautiful..  no really I am.  And I fear that I'm not...  I've been really bad at my diet, not because I'm like "with the hell of it!" but because I LOVE stepping on the scale and seeing that number... and let's be honest, I haven't seen that number in uhh... oh...  9 years.  I love stepping on that scale and seeing a good number.  It makes me feel like I am there!  But... I'm not there.  I love putting on my size 14 jeans and saying "YES!!", because I haven't been there since elementary school.

I love the feeling of what I am now... why would I continue to change? Better yet, why wouldn't I want to continue to change?  Fear.  I fear what I will become.  I fear I won't be beautiful. I fear I'll still be alone at the end of the day. I fear that I'll still be rejected. I fear that I'll still be left out.  Fear.

I realized that I don't have a lot guy friends because I think that all guys look at me and can tell that he left me.  He didn't just leave me...  he left me for her..  I think that guys can see that and they say.. well obviously she wasn't good enough if he left her for another.. and maybe that's true.. and maybe it's not..    so I've walled myself up, hiding away from it all.

So what if he left me?  The relationship was awful, like in the play "A, My Name is Alice" "I said I loved you, Frank. I never said I liked you",  I might have loved you but I never liked you...

Then there is the boy...  Every time I try to like someone new.. I feel, like I'm cheating on him.. but the thing is he was never mine to begin with.  So, with those last few tears.. I shed a goodbye to him, and started a new chapter...

Then there is love... God all I want is someone to tell me they love me.  I want that look, that feeling of knowing I am loved... I didn't get skinny so I could be loved, because well although being skinnier might help me find others to love me, would it really be genuine? I mean, after hanging out with my sisters a couple time since losing almost 70 lbs, I thought maybe they'd like me more... and you know what?  They didn't... but those who did before, still do.  Because if they really were to like me, they would have like me before, not just now..  wow, I'm so superficial...

What I have really done with my life?  I'm still living in fear... still living at home... still feel like I am nothing, that I have nothing... thank God how I feel isn't the real truth, because I would be worse off than I am...