What is Beauty?

Man, am I ever bad at keeping this thing up! Some days I have a million things to blog about others I have nothing... guess that's my life or any other normal persons life!

While school is going good so far, I mean it is the first week, I am personally learning more things in other places than the classroom. Actually I'm struggling with the fact that I have to go to class more than once a week. Call my spoiled but I am used to only have 2 classes a week one day each at 50 minutes not this twice a week 1 & 1/2 crap... but that is another story! Today I went to my "book club" (its not really a book club but its also not a bible study...?) which we are reading Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.

For the past couple of weeks we've been personally reading the book and then coming together and discussing the chapter we just read. Tonight was our second night, so of course we went over chapter two! If you've ever read this book, you know that chapter two is an important chapter

BEAUTY

In this chapter John & Stasi take you on an encounter to see beauty in the way God truly sees it. What do you think of what you hear the word beauty? Is it a beautiful girl/woman? A meadow? Do you think of someone specifically you think is beautiful? Throughout this chapter John and Stasi take you through a whirlwind of defying beauty but also confirming the desires of a woman to be the warrior princess. She begins to make you question how you see beauty and how you think beauty is measured.

But any how.. if you have not read this book, it is uber (there's that German again!) good! Although I will caution you, this is NOT a book that you read and you can lay it down and not think of ever again. This book will provoke you and make you question your real desires as a woman and what they mean and how they came to be. Really, it's a must read for every woman (but let's get honest here.. not everyone is going to read it!)!!!

After we had gone through our chapter for the night we sat around discussing relationships. I was the only girl not in a relationship. Not very usual but tonight that is the way it happened (apparently all the other single women were doing other things) and we began to discuss marriage. I simply stated that I didn't ever see myself getting married (right now at least, I am very content never dating again.. ughh!) and a very wise woman sitting across from me (in a very high pitched voice to tell you) that I was lying. I don't see myself getting married because I don't ever think that someone would ever want me or would want to love me and that was the reason I thought I'd never get married and that it was a complete lie.

Ouch! Granted I am very content at where I am. I don't go looking for love but... I haven't really given it much thought it would coming looking for me. I mean have you seen me?! Do you even know me?! And there lies the problem: the lie. I don't see myself ever getting married because I don't believe someone will ever want me, or someone will ever love me. And that my friend is the truth (about the lie, at least). Tonight we talked about how we need to have a relationship with ourselves, and as women we are very relational. We know everything when it comes to relationships, we were wired that way. And if I'm ever going to believe that I'm...

wanted...

needed....

or loved...

then I sure better want, need, and love myself first! So I admit it, I struggle with the fact that I think I'm wanted. Heck, read most of my blogs or notes.. they're full of it. I don't feel wanted by my sisters, I know I'm not wanted by some of my family (ok.. I'm not wanted by my mother, better now?!), and some people that I've sat next to in class for 10+ years, see them every Sunday and sometimes during the week doesn't want me... who does? If I don't speak up for myself, who will? If I don't want myself, who will?

Eh.. if change wasn't so painful!