So I left you all (insert the sounds of crickets here) talking about how insecure I was, and how I felt completely unwanted and how I needed to want myself. And guess what? I haven't gotten any better, but I have gotten worse (or at least slid backwards). I realized this a couple of days ago.. ok well I finally admitted this to myself a couple of days ago.
I was at night of praise this month and during the service we had an altar call but before then we had several prophecies about not trusting and it was then that I realized that I'm gripped by fear. Fear that God will never take care of me more precisely (for the moment). I mean I've spent the majority of my life taking care of my family, and others that why would God want to take care of me? I mean He used me to take care of them, so again why would He want to do anything for me? Ugh.. it's frustrating...
So I got prayed for by someone who has called me out on several occasions about the lies I believe (read previous posts!). It was nice to have someone know where you are.. but I still haven't gotten over that fear. Plus it's been concerning since I have to make plans soon or at least figure out what I'm doing soon for next year. I've never had to really think of what the next step was in my life, it was always known and all I had to is just open up and take a leap of faith. Right now.. I've got nothing (I think). This is frightening, considering that it's never been like this which then confirms my feeling that He really did leave...
Then I can't remember if it was the next sunday or maybe two weeks later, our pastor talked of discouragement. It was then I realized that I was discouraged, a bit more than normal. I am melancholy phlegmatic, so I'm more prone to this for some odd reason, and I have to constantly fight it off but this time I hadn't even realized it crept up on me and took a hold of me. Again there was another altar call, except this time they weren't praying for anything specific. They were just to pray for us and break the discouragement against us. I knew I had to go up, but I fought it and fought it.. until I had to throw up and I knew that if I didn't get a moving then someone was going to drag me up there personally. So I went up and got prayed for, no big deal. Unfortunately the person that prayed for me didn't know anything that I was going with so when I started to get prayed for they started breaking the fear of not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not enough.. not enough.. not enough...
I then realized how much fear and how discouraged am I. Of course I've always been battling this but this time it's just taken over a little more than normal. And truth be told, I'm tired of having to battle this again and again.... I realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting at home doing absolutely nothing a friday night, which I must say is suprisingly normal for me. It was then I began to question what I did to sit myself in isolation so much? What did I ever do deserve this? Hell.. what did I ever do that allowed myself to accept this? What did I ever do? And you know I've been talking about this for years.. how much I feel so unwanted and rejected by those I've known the longest, and each time I get "well if you were only around more.." or "we just forget, don't take anything personal"... obviously I'm not very personable or you would realize that I'm around and I can't be more around if I'm not I'm not invited to something and yet somehow that is my fault. What the hell is wrong with me? Can someone please tell me, so I can fix it??
So here I am.. alone.. nothing new there! :) So then that opens up a whole new can of worms.. I literally cried all night sunday night in pain because I really feel so alone, and so unwanted, and so unloved. It's hard enough to have those words spoken over you as a child but when you haven't found someone or someone hasn't proven those words to be lies, don't the lies become the truth since they are the only things that have been proven? Just wondering there... but I figured out how much I feared.
- That God will never take care of me
- That no one wants me
- That I'm unlovable
- I'm never going to be happy
- That I'm always going to be taking care of my family
- That it's never going to be my turn
- That I'm never going to have real, stick by ya, best friends
- That I'm going to have to endure everything alone
- That I'm going to be alone forever
- That I'm never.....
What is wrong with me? I'm literally about to cry right now writing this, but now I feel a lot better knowing that it's not in me any more...
I also realized that I haven't been completely myself. Every time I get to a point with someone where I have an opportunity to show a bit more of myself (whatever is there) I fear that they will reject me, and I just keep my mouth close...
These past few months have been rough.. from school to health to friends. Most people know that I'm not friends anymore with an old friendm and if you don't well... I'm sorry. Right now it sucks to know that most people only talk to me because they want something from me, or need something for me. Not because they want to be with me.. and that person is gone from my life (for how long who knows).
Ok, I'm done with my pity-party and feel much better.. thanks for listening whoever you are. If you're even there lol. Off to do work! Man I feel so much better!! :)
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