Actually my "New Year's Resolution" was actually to utilize this more, get everything off my shoulders and learn to let go. Deal with each problem I have and figure this out like a good therapist, lol. So I guess I'm starting today.. where do I begin?
Let's begin with the root of the problems: my past. I guess to start I have to tell you my story. Some know this, some don't. I don't like to talk about it because I've allowed it to grip me again. I was once healed of this, and I believe one day I will be again and that day starts NOW!
My story beings a long time ago (this sounds like the beginning of fantasy novel...) about uhh.. how old am I? I was about 8, so 13 years ago? Anyways there is a lot of backstory, so please keep all hands and feet inside the moving car at all times! :) When my family first moved to Florida from Illinois my aunt, my mom's youngest sister who at the time was 19 came with us. It was the first time that my aunt even left the state I do believe, let alone her family. I personally believe that my mom started her depression after my sister was born, and after she knew that we were moving to Florida and we wouldn't be near her family for a long time. But there are other factors too.. factors that are too complicated to discuss or even think about at this moment. Maybe another time, another place. As we continue remember that my mother is progressively getting worse.
Keep that on the front burner.
Anyways, when we first moved here, like most of my life my dad was gone. Not really that big of deal, except he's the only one who fights for me. Always has.. well.. yeah.. always has but hasn't lately. Over the course of the years the separation took a toll on my mom. I personally believe that she confided in her sister about her struggles, struggles of having to raise a family on her own, how she wished she didn't have to. Unfortunately my aunt didn't keep the confidence and due to personal preferences she felt that it was her duty to tell me so. My aunt told me what my mother would tell her. How she wished she never got married, how she wished she never had kids (remember this is the depression talking.. front burner!) and that it was all my fault. And you know why? Because it just was.. God created me for that specific reason. He hated me, He created me to make my life a miserable hell, He didn't love me and no one else would.. ever.. (understand my previous posts now?). That and the constant reminder from my mother that if I wasn't this, wasn't that.. I would be a nobody (like I'm a somebody now! haha...)! Add that together and you get a pretty crappy childhood.
One day... one day, my mother came home from work early. When I was younger my mom worked days, she worked nights. Depended on how life was and what job she had but anyways.. she came home early one afternoon and she witness my aunt telling me how horrible I was, how no one would love and all that happy crap. She walked in, and walked right back out, confirming everything my aunt was saying to me. After that it only got worse. My mom began to isolate me, purposefully leaving me by myself. Not really a big deal, since I prefer to be alone however childhood is the most important time for social growth. It's in those moments that you learn to socially interact with others, learn how to communicate, how to show your interests.. I never learned that and here I am 21 going on 22 and I'm still learning this. So please bear with me! PLEASE!!
My mother and I kind of switched positions... she became the child, and I became the adult. Thus mama Linda was born. From that moment (whenever it happened) I've been responsible for my family.. and I haven't forgotten. So.. you're probably tired of the backstory so I guess I can start on the current stuff. If I need to down the line add to the backstory I will. So right now I'm combatting the need to know it all (ughh.. I hate it) and have an answer for everything (mama Linda).
Now that you know why I lack social skills you'll understand more of why I feel like I have to know it all and have an answer for everything. When you're a parent you have to be in the know. You have to know when the bills are due, how much is in the bank, what day the appointments are, know this.. know that.. I finally understand why women can multi-task because when you're a mother you have to be able to do it all!! And now you kind of know why I don't want kids (if you didn't now you do!), I already have some! Ughh.. As for the solution crap.. the same goes for miss know it all. How many time did you run to your parents with questions, problems, and they always knew what to say? or do? or better yet admit that they didn't? So here I go:
I DON'T KNOW!
I'll admit it, I don't know it all and I don't know what to do in all situations. Frankly I'm surprised I've made it as far as I have.. really I have. A few years ago, my family had to go to therapy because of things (not really relevant here), at our first meeting the therapist told me I didn't have to come, because "I wasn't a part of the family". Truth! I'm not.. but that's not where I am going with this. I eventually did have to go because no one stories were lining up and she didn't really believe what was going on behind closed doors (shocker!). After telling her my story (above) she told that I should have committed suicide years ago. Wow.. thanks.. you really shouldn't have? In fact she told me what happened to me and my mom happens a lot with single parent homes. The parent takes the oldest child (its usually the oldest boy.. but me in this case) and has them replace the missing parent (my dad). The parent assigns the duties of the missing parent to the child aka the other parent now. My mom took that literal. As married couples fight out their differences, their fears, their desires. My mother fought with me. Ok, she dumped it on me... and..
I really don't know how to end this..
I'm sorry this is long, I really am. But like most things in my life, its long and complicated. I hate that part of my life. I really do. Why can't I just be simple? What's wrong with being just simple??????
So solutions to my problems: I bind the power of having to know it all, in Jesus' name. I do not know nor have I have had to know it all. God created me so that He could know it all. He did not create me so that I would have to know it all. I bind my pride and the feeling that I have to know what to do at all times, in Jesus' name. I do not have to know it all nor do I have to know what to do because that is what my God is for. So right now I release my faith and say you are in total control, I know that you do not lead me astray, that you loved me so much that you would allow me to try to do it on my own just to prove how much I need you. So I give up and trust that you will catch me. I choose to trust you even when it feels like you're letting me fall, when it feels like you've left, when it feels like you let me fall on purpose. I am choosing to trust that you will heal me of my past, again, and that you will take care of me and that one day it will be my turn.. it can't rain forever, right? :)
One thing that I choose to believe about myself right now is that I am loved. Regardless of how I feel, how sometimes my situations confirm my bizarre beliefs (proof of the ABC of REBT: click here to read about it http://www.skysite.org/primer/homework/page2.html) (read previous posts to fully understand).
I am loved
I am chosen
I am wanted
I am needed
I am lovable
I am acceptable
No comments:
Post a Comment