Well that's not entirely true, I've got loads of stuff on my mind and well I might have the space to write about it, I certainly do not want to spend all that time on it. But however, the two things that are on the front burner I'll deal with right now. One is my good friend whom I've challenged and my other friend. We'll call them friend "X" and friend "Y".
Friend "X" and I have come super close in the past year. She is like my best friend, I really don't know what I would have done without her. If you're reading this you know its true! She's going through a rough time and for the first time in my life I have a best friend who needs me, not just because they want something from me, but because she feels that I am dependable. And I don't want to let her down. I don't want to let you down either reader. I have this fear of failure and its great! It's so vast that I find myself swimming in the fear ponds.. you know the fear of failure is connected to fear of rejection which is connected to the fear of not being good enough and so on and so forth. This fear of failure makes me feel that I have to have an answer for everything and everyone. Remember yesterday's post? I cannot fail! I mean nothing happens when I fail.. ugh so I think. I won't allow myself to fail and when I have and when I do.. I take it hard like its the end of the world! It doesn't help that my mother calls me her perfect child, and one who can do no wrong. Such high standards!
Anyways back to friend "X". My friend is giving up.. she's tired, she's numb, and she's over it. I know how that feels. I know a lot of people who have felt this way. What do you say to that person? I remember the last time that this happened to me, I was told it was my fault, and that if I just said "no" then I wouldn't have been in this mess and so on and so forth. But really no one of that is true. It's like that line is Celine Dion's "Its All Coming Back to Me Now"
There are things that we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right.
Or one of my life songs, "Is There Life Out There" by Reba. In the last verse goes like this:
There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then?
Oh, she looks out her window and wonders again
The chorus:
Is there life out there?
So much she hasn't done?
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home?
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares?
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wondering
Is there's life out there?
What do you say to someone like that? I have no clue.. yet I feel like I have to and that I should. I obviously am not over the previous post but at least I've acknowledge it and acknowledge the fact it still grips me. So what do I do? I pray for her. When she texts me about what's happened during the day and how its awful. When she's discouraged, and what not, all I can do is just send a prayer back. I do not have the answers for her. I know that He hasn't left, I know He cares, I know all these things about Him but she doesn't. And there's the difference. I know when things are rough for me and for others who know Him, its easy to keep that on our minds but not when you've struggled with that. So.. that's all I have for that. I'll say another prayer right now.
Father,
You know what you've asked my friend to do. You asked her to take a leap and trust that you would catch her. She took that leap and now father its time for you to catch her. You are not a man nor a God who would lie, so we trust that you will do what you say. Your word says that we are to knock and keep knocking and you will answer and keep answering. So Father we knock and we ask that you would move mightily. You have a perfect situation here to show off your skills, your power, your ability to love, to heal, to nurture, to bring peace. So we ask that you do that. Show off and be the mighty God that we know you to be! We ask that you would open the doors that she needs to walk through this instant, and we thank you for opening those doors. We bind the enemy and the plans that have come against her and her family and we say be gone in Jesus name. You have no power here, and you are walking on holy ground, never return again in Jesus name. I release hope, favor, goodness, faithfulness, peace, love, and faith upon her and her household in Jesus name. Father surround her and her family with your guarding angels, protect them from all sides of the enemy and keep them safe as YOU fight this battle for her! Pull the strings of her heart and draw her back to you. Father show her that you have never left her side, that the things she see is not you being absent but you working behind the scenes and protecting her from much worse. Give her your understanding, your peace that surpasses all understanding. Give her your hope so that she continues to lay down her life for her family and for you. We thank you for all the good things that you have done in her life and all the things you are doing right now and all the things you are going to do. We love you and we praise you. In Jesus' name. Amen.
As for my friend "Y", things are a bit different. Many of you might know exactly whom I am referring to as we continue. But I have to let this out before I explode at her and so that I can move on. I think what is most frustrating me about friend "Y" is her ability to manipulate others and the turn it around so that she can be the victim. I'm sorry but I'm not going to give you a backstory. Not because it is so painful, because it's not but because its so long and I really might just get angrier, lol. Anyways throughout the years she has been able to maintain at the "trying" level. Trying to get a license, trying to want to care about others, trying to do this, trying to do that. Know who I'm talking about now?? I've been done with our friendship for months, however I don't think she really understands this. When I began to demand her of what she was asking of me she couldn't do it. When a good friend of our and I told her that we wanted a friendship, not to be a dumping ground or a using service she just isolate herself more. Granted I might have been tougher with her and more critical than I have with her besides others (except for my mom) but enabling her was not an option. And unfortunately for me the two extremes where either enabling, or tough love. I have yet to find a happy medium with this person. So.. when I returned home from England I like previously mentioned asked the same of her, the same she asked of me. I would no longer drive (its not good for my cervical DDD, seriously it's not!) us everywhere. If she wanted to hang out she either could come over (she always insisted that I hang out at her house, rarely did she come to mine) or if should wanted to hang out else where she'd find us a ride there and back (because I wasn't driving). Granted this is harsh, but for someone who has been trying to get her license for over 5 years, its not that bad. Get a license and we'll hang out more (I'm not even going to say what I want here). You know how many times we've hung out? 3. 3 times in 9 months.. wow. So.. I'm done with this, and I'm done with this friendship. Well it really isn't a friendship. It might have started as one but it just ended with her using me and dumping everything on me. She doesn't want to listen to others and I'm done listening to her.. good bye friend "Y"....
Back to me now, I sound like a total bitch in these postings.. a whiny bitch. And maybe I am.. but anyways, my friend "X" brings out a lot of feelings that I've had and situations that I've been through. She earlier told me about how she feels everything is her fault and she's being punished for it. I know exactly how that feels, and I think I just hit the nail on the head since I'm about to tear up thinking about this. My broken heart is caused by the belief that everything in my life is my fault and that I am being punished for it. When it comes down the nitty gritty (yes, I just said that) it always leaves me in bed, crying to God about how sorry I am. How sorry I was for whatever I did because I must have fucked up bad, fucked up bad in a previous life or in heaven or wherever. Because you can't just live the life I've had, be treated the way I am at home, school, work, church, with friends or sisters and not have done something.
Remember the previous post? God put me on this planet to torture me and why? I think my aunt forgot the rest of the message.. I screwed up... majorly. Now if I could only figure out why, then life probably wouldn't be so bad. I'm not even going to tackle this right now, not only because my fingers hurt from typing, and because I've been writing for over a solid hour, but because I'm not ready to deal with the truth. Believing the lie is easier than the truth. Believing that I'm a mess and its my fault because I did something is easier to accept than accepting than no one wants to be with me, no one wants to know me, no one wants to wait on me, no one wants to fight for me.. believing the lie keeps me protected in my own little shell. The shell keeps me from getting hurt from the no one's.
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